At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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