I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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