come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
