glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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