turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
