Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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