So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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