I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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