I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize