what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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