Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
