I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
