question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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