he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize