I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
