Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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