I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
