Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
