if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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