#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
