Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
