Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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