recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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