Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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