12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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