1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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