I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
