Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
