Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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