I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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