it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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