what day is it and did you see me today?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
