either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize