I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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