I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
