There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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