Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
