I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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