...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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