She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
