I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
