i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
