I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
