i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
