the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
