If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
