i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize