no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
