Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
