it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
