things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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