Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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