Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
