Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
