i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
