we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
