Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
